SIVACRACY.NET: Advice About Women

Mouse Words annotates an advice column list of recommendations on "How To Knock Her Socks Off":

1. Read to her. A female's brain is an important erogenous zone, so spend some time turning it on by reading to her. It may seem mundane, but a book club for two is intimate and sweet, especially if you find a novel she loves. This tip isn't so much for seduction, but apparently it's a great way to save your ass if you're afraid that she might have you killed after she's done with you.

2. Make breakfast in bed. Romance is about lying about and eating grapes, not bounding out of bed each day on a tear to be productive. So get some grapes, some mimosas, a couple croissants and make a plan to spill on the sheets. Listen to talk radio and cuddle until the early afternoon. If you have to bribe her into bed with food, she's just not that into you. (Talk radio? Are you serious? How the hell is that more romantic than music?)

3. Plan a surprise trip to a nearby destination. Women love to be whisked away on a romantic overnight, even if it's to the next town. Book a hotel room, grab some wine, and pick out a collection of brochures for local tourist-traps. You'll giggle and roll your eyes and have a ball. If you do this the same weekend that her parents are due to visit, she'll be onto your little game, though.

4. Send her a handwritten note. We're so used to getting junk and bills in our mailboxes these days that a real letter is a significant pleasure. Skip the short e-mails and pretend you're a 19th century aristocrat with time on his hands. Write an ode to her beauty or describe a fond memory. Drop it in the mail and begin flinching with embarrassment. How stupid is it to write bad poetry and mail it in this day and age? Don't you know what a telephone is? Email? How nerdy is she going to think you are?

5. Design a sexy scavenger hunt. Bring some adventure into her life with a creative scavenger hunt that sends her all over the house, neighborhood, or town. If you want to really impress, make each clue a cheesy poem. The destination for your scavenger hunt? Perhaps a fancy dinner or a yummy picnic. Women like to work for every meal. If you just cook for her and let her relax for once, she'll feel all empty inside. So make her work for it! She's not cooking this time, so give her something like a wild goose chase to occupy her time. Surely she has nothing better to do.

6. Make her life easier. Sometimes the most appreciated romantic gesture in the world is something as simple as doing the laundry or picking up some much needed groceries. If your girlfriend is having a crazy week at work, she will swoon when you run a vacuum cleaner for her. Make sure to pout if she doesn't act like you are a prince amongst men for picking up a dustrag once in awhile.

7. Set it to music. The "mixed tape" idea might remind her of middle school, but if you do a good job she'll love it. They have these things called "computers" now (you might be reading this on one!) that have these things called "c.d. burners" in them, which might be a better idea. Giving a tape to someone who hasn't owned a tape player in years is bad form. However, I have to admit that I like the mixed disc move. It's a true classic.

8. Open a spa just for her. Pamper your lady with a skillful massage and foot rub or brush her hair with a soft comb. Have a bubble bath ready for her and some freshly washed towels. All the day's stress will wash down the drain in no time. Afterwards, make sure to say, "You can't claim you have a headache now, can you?" I want to meet the man that will draw a bath for you and then brush your hair. So I can take his picture for evidence.

9. Go public with your love. No, we're not talking about a football game jumbo-tron declaration, but showing up at her workplace with flowers or posting a series of sweet signs on the route of her morning run would surely surprise and impress her. Ah, the stalker move. Remember, ignoring her protests to her co-workers, "I barely know this guy!" is the romantic thing to do.