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Back in December one of my favorite grad students from NYU went on a successful job talk at a prestigious liberal arts college. She nailed it and will start in the fall. I am extremely proud of her.

When she asked me for advice before departing, I mused about my various experiences with the ritual. I have been on maybe a dozen of these in my brief time in my career. Almost of all of them have been positive learning experiences through which I made good friends and professional contacts. So while my "yield" rate for job offers is as low as anyone's, and I loath the stress that these multi-day affairs generate, I have to say that they have served me well. Failing always does.

Here are a couple of things I did wrong over the years during academic job interview visits:

• I got into an argument over dinner with a grizzled veteran journalist about whether Wikipedia was a worthwhile project. Him: "But every time I read it I find something wrong!" Me: "So I hope you corrected all the errors." Stony silence followed.

• I joked a bit too much during my research talk at an Ivy League university, leaving myself too little time to nail down the "takeaway" of my research. And, as it turns out, a brilliant senior member of the faculty took strong issue with my conclusions. She was right, it turns out. But my flippancy left me unable to make a save.

• At an non-New York university of modest means, I dressed and talked like an NYU professor (which I was). Under questioning by students, I admitted I was a Yankees fan. The chair was convinced he could never get me to come and that I was just playing him. He was wrong. But there was no way to change his mind.

The first thing to realize, for those readers uninitiated with the peculiarities of academic culture, is that "job talk" is a misnomer. One of my wisest professor in graduate school told me back when I departed for my first one that by focusing on the "talk" candidates discount the importance of every other moment of the terrifying 48 hours on the ground with prospective employers. The meals matter just as much as the talk.

So here is an edited list of what I wrote to my student. As many others are about to embark on such visits, I thought it could help. Please weigh in via comments with your own experiences and observations of job-talk visits.

UPDATE AND NOTE: And please remember that this list is rather specific to my student's situation and the institution to which she applied. If you are not, for instance, "a real, cool American," don't pretend to be. If you do not eat steak, do not try it now. If you know nothing about sports, don't study up just to impress people at Nebraska (they are pretty depressed about football right now anyway). Fake interest in football and you will sound like John Kerry. No one wants that.

Just make the appropriate allowances for your particular situation:

1) They are never fun. Never.

2) Often, when you think you totally choked, they loved you.

3) Often, when you think you totally nailed it, they hate you.

4) Sometimes they have already made up their minds and your visit is merely an opportunity to reinforce whatever they have decided. So if you don't get the offer, just trust that they probably had someone else in mind from the beginning. That's almost always the case.

5) You will be so tired from all the unreasonable number of visits and face-to-face interviews, fake smiling and adrenaline from your talk that you will want to sleep for a couple of days after. This whole experience will kick your ass. It does that to everyone. Don't expect anything else.

6) Dress as conservatively and stodgily as possible. Don't let anyone think you are younger than you are. Wear glasses if you have them.

7) Be enthusiastic about the town and job. Half of what they want to know is whether they would really get you if they offered you the job. Seriously. They will be nervous about someone from the Big City coming to scope out their grubby little upstate town. Ease their minds early and often. Talk about how expensive NYC is. Talk about how you love the hills and forests. Talk about how you want to buy a house and settle down. Ask about local politics. Make it clear you would be a good citizen of the campus and town.

8) They will be hunting around for hints about your family/relationship situation. They are not allowed to ask you outright. But they want to know whether your partner is an academic, which would mean major headaches trying to generate another job. So if you see an opportunity and feel comfortable about it, talk about him/her and what he/she wants to do for a living. They should be relieved.

UPDATE AND NOTE ON THIS POINT: What I wrote in point number 8 is specific to my students' family situation and the rather conservative place to which she was seeking a job. It is not generally true that candidates should hint about family situations. In fact, the more I think about it, the less I like this advice. It lets straight couples in which the other partner is a non-academic get an unfair advantage in the hiring. I will add something about my experiences here. One chair asked me straight up if I were married and if he would need to find a job for my wife. I was stuck. This is an illegal question. But my marital status and my wife's professional success are well documented. So a few clicks and a visit to Sivacracy would have answered his question. Still, I was alarmed at his question. His tone revealed that he would consider such a challenge a burden. Needless to say, I answered him and did not get the offer. Alas, many chairs will ask younger candidates this question. Often the question is motived by classic sexism ("She is not going to need maternity leave soon, is she?") or heterosexism ("I hope he does not bring his 'partner' to department functions!"). But more often it is about the spousal hire challenge. Now, Melissa and I just went through a nationwide senior search in which we were very clear up front that we were married, needed two jobs, had a child, and needed to move somewhere we could afford to buy a house and raise our kid. So all that information worked to alert some schools to avoid the dance if they could not envision coming up with two jobs. It also sent a strong signal to a couple of schools that do partner hires rather well that they could definitely get us both if they could make two offers. But for most newly minted academics this is not the case. I don't think there is a general rule for handling partner situations. Maybe Ted has advice on this. He did the partner thing at the junior level. Ted?

9) Their number-one concern will be whether they like you. They already have opinions about your scholarship. They already know you can teach. So you can relax a bit. Just be funny and comfortable with them. If you have a chance to lament the losing ways of the football team with someone, by all means do it. Show them you are a real, cool American. Order steak at dinner. Enjoy your meal and complement them on the restaurant choice. Most of all, act like you could be buddies with everyone for a long, long time. They are considering hiring someone who would work there for 30 years. So they don't want someone snotty, snobby, or whiny. It will only take a few minutes to show them that you are none of those things.

10) They think that you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. They expect you to ask important questions about life in the town and university policies. Ask about how the tenure clock works. Ask about whether you get a semester off for research after third-year review. Ask about the last few people who went up for tenure. Ask what sort of research profile and teaching portfolio you would need to get tenure. Every single person will ask "So do you have any questions for me?" Ask a couple of questions, even if you already have the answers. Never, ever say "No, I think I know everything after having this exact conversation six times today."

11) Ask MANY questions of and about the students. Getting the students to like you would be a major plus. Spend serious time with them and ask them serious questions about the curriculum and their job prospects. Ask them which courses are their favorites and why. The students can kill your chances if they think you are talking past them or above their heads. Show sincere concern for them and you will demonstrate that you are the kind of prof who would thrive at this place.

12) Talk about your role models, inspirations, influences, and what sort of scholar you want to be known as in ten years or so. What sorts of accomplishments would please you when you look back on your career? Teaching awards? Administration? Pulitzer prize? Mentoring accomplished Ph.D. students? Teaching in a local prison program?

13) Drink lots of water and very little coffee.

14) Check your teeth for spinach etc. before every meeting.

15) Be especially nice to the secretaries and staff. Thank them for making all your arrangements. Good mojo from them can mean a lot. Plus, it's good Karma.

16) And, as Tenured Radical told me many years ago when she led me around Zenith during my very first academic job interview, "always get your shoes shined at the airport on the way to your interview." The very act will make you feel sharp and together. Plus, people actually notice. Seriously. They don't tell you that in gradual school. But shined shoes matter.

BTW, despite wearing smudged black wingtips, Tenured Radical managed to convince Zenith to give me my first real academic job and set me on my way to a lovely and satisfying career.

UPDATE: Some nice and interesting reactions and comments to this post are here.